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“What to Do with Inevitable Conflict”
Acts 15:36-41
IPC, June 7, 2009

I began a mini-series last Sunday that I’m calling “Crossroads.”  I’m talking about coming to a decision-making moment where we have to decide to take the world’s way or God’s way.  I’m not talking about minor decisions.  I’m talking about the “biggies.” 

Often, at crossroad moments, we will find that the world’s way seems like an easier choice.  It’s convenient and since it’s popular, you aren’t bucking cultural opinion.  I’m using Jeremiah 6:16 (NIV) as the theme verse:  “Stand at the crossroads & look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, & walk in it, & you will find rest for your souls.”  There’s a lot of work to do at crossroads…you stand and look.  You have to ask—twice.  Then you have to walk on it before you find that results that you are looking for.   

Last week I talked about a roadblock at the crossroad, which is our PAST.  One of the things that keep us from walking God’s way is the garbage from our past.  At the close of last week’s message, I said that you have to move past your past, because God has—if you have come to Him in repentance and faith.  

Today, I have a second roadblock that prevents us from living God’s way and that is CONFLICT.  I brought a representational image of conflict this morning.  You may think it’s a little strange, but it’s an elephant.  That is the roadblock.  Elephants could probably make pretty good roadblocks. 

The etymology of conflict comes from the Latin word conflictus and means “to strike together.”  We often cause conflict through our words and when you’re a pastor, you have lots of opportunities to cause conflict.  Every week I am sure that I disappoint or offend someone when I open my mouth.  

When I find myself in conflict with someone, I react from one end of the pendulum to the other.  I either want to fix it immediately or I want to pretend it doesn’t exist.  Diametrically opposed positions.  But I generally obsess about it.  I replay it and do all the scenarios.  And I can literally get sick over it.  I drink a lot during conflict—coffee and sweet tea.   

What I’m saying is when I have conflict and I don’t handle it correctly, I don’t have peace in my life.  Is anyone here today who actually loves and thrives on conflict?  There are a few people in every crowd.  And we generally and gently call you PSYCHO!   

Men and women have been surveyed about dealing with conflict.  When women find themselves in conflict they want to talk it out.  #1 response.  Talking it out is not the number one choice for guys.  Or #2, not #3 or #4.  It was #5 with guys.  Guys could pretty much care less.  They would rather die than talk.  The number one response for men was “deal only when necessary.”  Two was “avoid.”  Now, the source of conflict was pretty much the same across the gender lines.  Conflict occurs through miscommunication and unmet expectations.  When trying to work through conflict, the number one goal for women is to be heard or understood.  Since talking it out is their gut response, that makes sense.  Guys, number one for you is to seek resolution.  Let’s fix it.  Get it done.  Let’s clean it up.  Of course, a real primary goal for men is to “win.”  Guys want to win at everything.   

Regardless of gender, if we are believers, we should value people and relationships.  And if we value peace we should figure out how to get rid of this roadblock called conflict so we can be free to go God’s way. 

This morning I want to help you prepare for conflict.  If you’re not in conflict right now, congratulations.  But, don’t gloat, because it’s coming your way.  It could be in your rear-view mirror as I speak.  I want to use a story from the Book of Acts and show you a conflict between two people.   Before we start, I want you to know that it doesn’t turn out all neat and tidy with a “happily ever after” ending you might expect from a Bible story. 

The conflict involves Paul, who we talked about last week when his name was still Saul.  And Barnabas.  The ingredients of their conflict seemed to be trust issues, unmet expectations, family dynamics, strong opinions and personal chemistry.  Out of curiosity, how many of you have had conflict with any of those ingredients?  Of course you have. 

Acts 15:36 “And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us return & visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, & see how they are.’”   Let’s get a context: Paul & Barnabas had traveled throughout the region and they were preaching the Good News about Jesus Christ—that He died on the cross as a payment for their sin and calling people to salvation with God.  People became believers and churches were organized and Paul comes to Barnabas and says, “Road trip!  Let’s go back and visit these believers.”  The conflict begins a simple little ask.  Just a simple little idea.  No harm was intended. 

Guys, you know what I’m talking about.  You got in that conflict with your wife when you bought her a birthday present—that vacuum.  No harm intended.  That was a pure motive.  Ladies, when you bought your husband that treadmill.  It’s for his own benefit.  For those of you who are single and you eat your roommate’s food.  You don’t want it to spoil and waste their money.  You’re just thinking about them.  That is how conflict starts—with simple little things. 

You look at this one verse and ask, “What could have ignited a conflict?”  A simple ask is met by a simple request.  In verse 37: “Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark.”  Barnabas agrees to go, but he adds in his expectation.  He wanted to take along John Mark, who happened to be Barnabas’ cousin.  All of a sudden family enters in and it gets messy.   

By a show of hands, how many of you have a weird cousin?  Anybody here—are YOU the weird cousin?  You probably can see the situation.  You invite a friend to dinner or to a ballgame and that friend says, “I’d love to go,” and you get a little excited until he says, “Can I bring my cousin Chester?”  And you think, “Ah, no.  Chester?  The guy who eats all the cheese?”  That’s kind of the idea we have going on here, except there is no indication in Scripture that John Mark is weird other than the fact that he goes by two first names. 

Verse 38: “But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia & had not gone with them to the work.”   (That is referring back to an instance during the first missionary journey in Acts 13:13.)  The New King James is stronger in describing Paul’s disagreement than the ESV I just read.  It says, “Paul INSISTED that they not take him…” 

We have passion and conviction here.  The Greek words here describe Paul and Barnabas as being persistent and adamant.  They were drawing a line in the sand.  “There is no way that I’m going to give in to the other person’s expectations.”  Does that sound familiar? 

Paul doesn’t want John Mark going because he bailed on the first trip.  We have no idea why he left them.  Maybe he was tired on Paul’s hogging all the overhead storage on the pack mule with his souvenirs.  We don’t know.  We just know that he left them. 

If God had wanted us to know, He would have told us, but apparently, it didn’t matter to the Lord.  There was just a conflict. 

Here is what we do know.  Paul—Barnabas.  Two different men with different personalities.  If you know anything about Paul, Paul is very driven.  He was always on the go.  He was this ambitious personality.  Barnabas’ name actually means “encouragement.”  He is always coming to the side of people.  Two different personalities respond to stimulus in two different ways, don’t they? 

You married folks, does your spouse have a different personality than you?  Conflict happens because different personalities respond in different ways.  Things that aren’t a big deal to me…guess what?  They ARE a big deal to Rachel.  And vice versa.  Verses 39-41: “And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him & sailed away to Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas & departed. And he went through Syria & Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”   

This conflict is so big that they split up.  But their conflict did not stop their mission. In the midst of conflict, God made lemonade out of lemons.  It resulted in two missions’ trips instead of one.  I believe Satan was trying to use that conflict to stop the spread of the gospel.  But it backfired.  It backfired because Paul went in one direction and Barnabas went in another direction and God’s work got done. 

You may be asking, “Who’s right?  Paul or Barnabas?”  The Bible doesn’t say.  We don’t know.  Maybe they were both right.  Maybe they were both wrong.  But it appears that God took a negative circumstance and He produced a positive result.    Please get this from this account.  They had conflict and argued.  And they went their own way.  But here’s the key.  They both went God’s way.  They both traveled God’s way. They just didn’t travel together, which is ok. 

How does this conflict thing look to you practically?  When I’ve got tension in a relationship it is tempting to go the world’s way in dealing with it.  Here’s what that way looks like.  I bad talk the other person.  I hang onto bitterness.  I attack.  I blame.  I try to sabotage the other person.  I gossip.  I send twenty pizzas to their house at 10:00 at night.   

Could it be that this “who is right?” question is the reason that we have so much conflict and little peace.  Two women were talking about their husbands.  One woman remarked, “I married Mr. Right.  Mr. ALWAYS Right.”  If we spent less time trying to figure out who is right when there is conflict and look for God to show up and insert His power and presence, we’d make a lot more progress.  I wonder if Paul and Barnabas were concerned with who was right.  They had their tension, they talked about it and they moved on. 

People don’t always agree. Christians don’t always agree, but conflicts can be peaceful and God-honoring when we disagree without being disagreeable.  In the Acts account, Paul and Barnabas split up.  They both went God’s way and God got His work done in and through their lives. 

What does this mean to us this morning?  This biblical account is encouraging to me.  Here are two heroes of the faith that disagreed but look what happened.  They didn’t split up the church.  They didn’t start two churches.  They just disagreed.  No matter how strong you are spiritually or how committed you are in your relationship with God, conflict is inevitable, but misery is optional. 

In conflict, we should choose peace.  Paul wrote this a little later in life: (Rom. 12:18) “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”  So the over riding question is HOW?  How do we do that?

I want you to know that what I am about to say, may not solve all your past conflicts.  Some of you have major conflicts in your lives dating back many months or years ago.  These steps may not touch the depth of those conflicts that are already in place. 

But I also know that conflict is coming.  What can you do from now on when conflicts hits? 

1. Expect God to do something great in the midst of conflict.

What do folks typically think when conflict strikes?  They usually don’t go, “Good! Glorious! God is showing up!”  They usually think, “Drag! Bummer! Stomach ache!”  All the negative stuff. 

What, if the next time conflict hits you pause, and you expect God to do something great?  If you change your perspective of conflict it provides you with a little more hope and a little more anticipation that things may turn out differently.  We just looked at an example of how God used conflict to bring about His glory. 

The Book of Acts records several instances of conflict in the early church.  However, in the midst of that conflict God always shows up in big ways. 

When conflict arises, it is not the end of the world.  Expect God to do something great.  Start there. 

2. Reject the world’s way of responding to conflict.

When conflict hits, we often run into that elephant.  We detour into the world’s way.  That is what is normal.  So we go the world’s way and we’re filled with resentment and bitterness and anger and manipulating and blaming and attacking and praying that the other person gets bitten by a rare spider that makes their skin fall off.  All of that stuff is the world’s way. 

Let’s try rejecting that.  It’s tough, because these attitudes are much easier than seeking peace.  When conflict hits our most basic instincts come out.  Anger feels normal.  Bitterness is permissible.  Revenge is justified.  But we are generally miserable during the experience.  We don’t have to be miserable.   

3. Forgive before engagement.

For those who may be seriously dating right now, I don’t mean that kind of engagement.  I mean a conversation.  Forgive before that conversation.  Your ability to forgive is at the heart of living at peace. 

Do you remember last week?  In order to get over my pasts, I have to move past my past, because God has.  I have to do more than just intellectually understand forgiveness.  I need to experience forgiveness.  Col. 3:13 (NIV) “Bear with each other & forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” 

When we are followers of Christ, forgiveness is not optional.  I wish I could stay away from a very difficult verse in Matt. 6:14-15.  Jesus is speaking here.  “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” 

If we have experienced God’s forgiveness; we now have to express that forgiveness in the midst of tension and conflict.  I either have to have a conversation with that person and offer forgiveness or, if I can, I simply forgive that person and just move on.  At times, overlooking the offense is the wisest thing to do. 

Proverbs 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, & it is his glory to overlook an offense.”  People hurt us all the time and if you start a battle every time your feelings get hurt, it may not be a good thing. 

I’m not saying that you should avoid conflict or avoid a conversation.  You should forgive the offense so every time you think about that person or see them, you don’t get the heebie-jeebies.  If you can forgive them and move on, then move on.  Most of the time, it does require a conversation. 

This forgiving before engagement is somewhat radical to think about.  In conflict resolution, we often enter into a conversation and after we hear what the other person has to say, we may or may not say, “I forgive you.”  I’m encouraging you to enter into the conversation with a forgiving spirit.  How come?  Because you have been forgiven by God. 

4. You work toward resolution without escalation or a “victory dance.”

When you enter into conversation with a forgiving spirit, things are going to go a lot better.  Things don’t have to escalate into a battle or a major confrontation where your whole goal is to win and do your little victory dance and sing, “I’m the winner, you’re the dirty loser.”   

It is human nature to be quick to see other people’s faults and to be slow seeing our own.  Things may go better if you approach a conflict with a forgiving heart and you go to that person in private and say something like, “I don’t feel good about what is happening here.  I must have done something to offend or hurt you. I would like to make that right.  Could we talk about that?”  If you have that kind of spirit, I can’t tell you what will exactly happen, but it MAY soften the other person’s heart.  If they are a Southerner, they’ll probably say, “Oh, it wasn’t that big a deal,” simply because they don’t want to talk about it, but they probably do need to talk about it.  Now, they may attack you, which is probably a clear indication that they are not ready to make peace.  Or they may actually own their part in the conflict.  Regardless of how they respond, you have done your part to make peace. 

You may be thinking of people you’re experiencing conflict with today, even as I speak.  I encourage you to begin this journey of dealing with conflict so it’s not a roadblock in your living God’s way and pursuing peace.  Like I just said, the other person may decide they are going to go the world’s way and they’re going to attack and blame you.  That is not your issue.  Your issue is to choose peace.   

Here’s the gist of today’s message in a sentence: Conflict is inevitable; misery is optional.”  So, in conflict, I choose peace. 

You still may be thinking, “If I do this, who wins?”  If you choose peace, God wins.  You may need to give up a little winning if you want to give up some of the misery that you’re living with. 

Getting back to Paul and Barnabas, Scripture is not clear if they ever worked together again.  However, apparently when Barnabas’ name came up, Paul didn’t go, “Barnabas—what a scumbag!”  That didn’t happen.   

We do know that later in life, Paul wrote very approvingly of Barnabas’ ministry. (I Cor. 9:6)  And later in life, John Mark, the cousin who was the source of this Acts conflict, actually worked with Paul.  (Philemon 24; 2 Tim. 4:11) Conflict is inevitable.  Misery is optional, but in the conflict you can choose peace.  You can’t choose how the other person is going to respond.  But I can choose peace and God wins.  Let’s pray. 

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In Christ,
Bill Bratley - Pastor